Snoring – “This is the vibration of respiratory structures and the resulting sound due to obstructed air movement during breathing while sleeping. In some cases the sound may be soft, but in most cases it can be loud and unpleasant”.
Unpleasant?!? Unpleasant? Um, try downright nightmare! Perhaps having to put up with a snorer should be considered as part of the torture process. I’m sure James Bond would reveal all secrets if he was put with my husband for even one nights sleep – and I use the term ‘sleep’ loosely!
The above may be the official definition, but I’ve decided it’s a conspiracy! ‘The Snore’ has become its own entity and has taken over my husband! It’s infected him just so that it can annoy me! Anyone else having this problem? Does the Government need to declare a state of emergency? Forget a Zombie apocalypse – The Snore is here and it will be the death of us! At least, it will certainly be the death of me through disturbed sleep and definitely the death of my husband through me strangling him!
He’s not always been this bad, but he has snored since I first met him. I can remember the very first time heard him snore, I was sniggering under the covers finding it extremely funny – trust me that wore off that very same night, in fact in the same hour!
But at least back then he would only snore lying on his back, and I would politely ask him to turn on his side, which he would do – job done, hello sleep. Not anymore! The snore has evolved and got clever! He now snores on his back, left side, right side, front… whatever position he’s in, The Snore gets him every time and taunts me. There’s no peace! I still, however live in hope and ask him to turn on his side, but his response to this?
“I have turned on my side!”
“Then how come you’re still on your back!?”
And do you know what really gets my goat? I’ll tell you because I’m on a roll now…What really gets me cross is most nights I will go to bed first as my husband is a faffer, anyway, I’ll be laying in bed just dozing off – he will finally lay down and within seconds, SECONDS he’ll be snoring his head off. So I’ll say in a pretty loud voice:
“You’re snoring!” and he will mumble;
“How can I be snoring when I’m not even asleep yet?”
ARRRGGHH! Give me strength!
The trouble is I think with the evolution of The Snore, it has now become contagious and it’s got me! Hubby said to me some time ago;
“You were snoring like a good’n when I come to bed last night”
Now I wouldn’t have this at first. Me? Snore? Don’t be daft! I figured he was just winding me up. However, a while back I was happily watching the TV one night, with him sat beside me on the sofa. Now admittedly I was a bit sleepy, but then I heard this god awful noise and I was ready to have a go at hubby for disturbing my programme, until I realised with impending dread that The Snore had got me! I sneaked a glance at him, hoping that he had not heard me and was too engrossed in the TV. But I was met with a smug ‘welcome to the club’ smile, a ‘haha, it’s got you too, huh?’ smile!
The difference being though, that I do not keep him awake! He’s got a bit of a cold at the moment and that is when The Snore takes hold and is at its strongest. It got so bad the other night that after informing him several times that he was snoring, I lay there fantasising that I was whacking him over the head with Timmy Mallett’s Mallet (80’s throwback).
Now I am not a violent person, but The Snore knows how to get to you and boy has it got to me! The trouble is, this would probably cause some tension in our relationship, so instead of using the mallet I had to resort to some ear plugs that I found in his work bag – not great as they were too big for my lugholes and I kept having to push them back in. However, at least they muted The Snore for a while and I think I got about three hours sleep that night.
Subsequently the following morning I complained to hubby about the awful nights sleep that I had as a result of his snoring and how crap the ear plugs were. Instead of apologising for keeping me awake, he proceeded to show me how to use the ear plugs correctly!